LISTS!
Everyone loves lists! In my free time, I think about this stuff and here it is for you to read.
1. Clouds are all shaped like middle fingers.
2. A plague of Budweiser frogs.
3. Text alert loudly speaks number of the name of someone you are attracted to and your current weight.
4. The floors are actually lava.
5. Hair reversal: all hairy parts bald, all bald parts hairy.
6. Dogs now as aloof as cats.
7. Swamp ass. All the time.
8. Hear everything on a tape delay like an on-site reporter.
9. Always sound sarcastic no matter how sincere you try to be.
10. Whenever you try to say "I love you", it comes out as scat.
1. A four year degree into a server job and a drinking problem.
2. An hour slotted to be at the gym into an hour staring at butts.
3. Last minute panic into "Aw. Who cares? Fuck it."
4. A 400 square foot apartment into a laundry basket
5. 5 nice words from an attractive acquaintance into fantasies of your perfect life together.
6. A seemingly low-key plan to have Sunday brunch into a Monday hangover.
7. A job hunt into a hatred for LinkedIn.
8. A cat into a best friend who has a lot of towers and toys in your apartment and hates you.
9. A friendly game of Mario Kart into burning resentment.
10. A plate of food into 15 'likes'
1. Hurtful Words with Friends.
2. Pokemon Beige.
3. Race War 2: Oh No We Didn’t!
4. Moral Kombat.
5. Poetry Slam Hero.
1. Dr. Strangelove
2. Zack and Miri Make a Porno
3. Her
4. 12 Angry Men
5. A Streetcar Named Desire
6. Some Like It Hot
7. In the Heat of the Night
8. All the President’s Men
9. Midnight Cowboy
10. Toy Story 3
1. Hairy midriff exposure deemed too sexy for TV.
2. Wool is racist against sheep.
3. It doesn’t go with my Daisy Dukes.
4. Gift from grandma but now she’s dead… to me.
5. I'm no longer "With Stupid".
6. There's a fly in my sweater.
7. Because Bill Cosby is no longer a role model.
8. You can't even see it under this gimp suit.
9. It is the only evidence linking me to my ex-wife's disappearance.
10. Cat fur up in hurr.
1. Eat guacamole with a spoon for breakfast.
2. Tweet @AnnaKendrick47, pray that sparks marriage
3. Do sit-ups on yoga mat.
4. Take nap on yoga mat.
5. Write reggae song about how nice it is to have health insurance.
6. Look at really hardcore food porn.
7. Go to happy hour to fight sadness.
8. Listen to 'Happy' to fight sadness.
9. Watch Happy Feet 2 to fight sadness.
10. See if health insurance covers anti-depressants.
1. On-going interest in puppetry.
2. Criminal record.
3. How much this would cost if you were "working".
4. Those clowns in congress.
5. This rash. It's really itchy.
6. Limericks you've written.
7. Personal needle sharing policy.
8. The situation in the Congo.
9. Cup size.
10. Oepidus Rex.
1. Proctology exam.
2. File for Divorce.
3. Catch Pokemon... as a 42 year old.
4. Live under the witness protection program.
5. Vote against Putin.
6. Sign a check for child support.
7. Eat people.
8. Declare bankruptcy.
9. Order a drink with 4 syllables or more in the name at Starbucks.
10. Talk about the band A Dashboard Confessional.
1. Upon my death, my estate shall be handed over Tim Cook.
2. Agreement to these conditions signifies admission to being the Zodiac Killer.
3. You will forward these Terms and Conditions to 3 friends within 24 hours or you will never find true love.
4. By clicking agree, I hereby un-call shotgun.
5. Prima nocte (look it up).
6. I certify that U2 is my favorite band.
7. I hereby agree to membership in the Pen15 Club.
8. By clicking here, you agree that we ought to see other people.
9. I acknowledge that I can neither read nor write and take pride in that fact.
10. Accepting these Terms and Conditions are the same as saying "I do." Now we married.